Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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