Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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