I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
