Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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