Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
