I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
