So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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