I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
