I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Never underestimate the power of titties
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