the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
