Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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