i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
