Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
