Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
