She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
