she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
