Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
