we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Randomize
