Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
