I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
