My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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