when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Come share oat with me in your robe
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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