I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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