i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My vagina just recognized that song.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Randomize
