Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
