I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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