as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Come on in and take your pants off
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