just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
