i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
