I smell stomach acid.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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