nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i came on her dog
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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