life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Still dying that you shit outside
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
