Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
