This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
