Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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