My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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