Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
