Your face is a jimmy john
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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