your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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