I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
