he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
