YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
