i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Text me some of your sweat
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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