Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
