HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
