every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
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