The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
