i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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