i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Ketchup is God's man juice
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
