god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
