remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
