I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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